Why you keep repeating the same pattern (even when you know better)
The most frustrating kind of stuck
There’s a specific kind of stuck that doesn’t make sense: we repeat the same patterns even when we know better.
We recognize the pattern and we can explain it clearly.
We can even give other people advice that’s actually helpful.
And then… when it matters, we still do the thing.
Whether its shutting down in the conversation we swore we’d stay present for, people-pleasing, not letting go of control, saying yes when we meant no, ghosting our own goals, and the list goes on…
Afterward we’re left with the same question:
“Why am I still doing this when I know better?”
If this is you, here’s the reframe that usually changes everything:
Knowing better doesn’t change a nervous system default.
“Knowing” lives in the top. Patterns live in the body.
Most personal growth focuses on insight:
understanding your story
identifying limiting beliefs
learning new strategies
“reframing” thoughts
Insight matters. But insight is not the same as access.
Because under stress, the brain doesn’t select the most enlightened option.
It selects the safest one.
The pattern is our very own protection strategy.
The pattern has a purpose
If a pattern keeps repeating, it’s usually because it works, at least in one way.
It not “works” as in it creates the life you want, but preventing something you’re terrified to feel.
Some examples:
Overfunctioning prevents feeling helpless, judged, or “not enough.”
People-pleasing prevents feeling rejected, unsafe, or emotionally abandoned.
Control prevents feeling surprised, dependent, or at the mercy of someone else.
Shutting down prevents feeling too much, being seen, or losing composure.
Avoidance prevents feeling disappointed, behind, or exposed.
So when you try to change the behavior without addressing the job it’s doing, your system panics.
Because to your nervous system, the pattern isn’t a “bad habit.”
It’s a guardrail.
Why it shows up “when it matters”
This is why you can make progress in low-stakes moments and still “fail” in high-stakes moments.
The pattern doesn’t activate because you forgot your tools.
It activates because something bigger is at risk:
intimacy
belonging
safety
identity (“who I am”)
how you’re perceived
the possibility of losing something
When the stakes rise, protection rises.
So the real question isn’t:
“How do I stop doing the pattern?”
It’s:
“What does my system think it’s preventing?”
A simple map that makes it obvious
Here’s a clean way to map what’s happening:
Trigger → Default Response → What it Avoids → Short-Term Reward → Long-Term Cost
Example:
Trigger: partner is disappointed
Default response: explain, fix, over-give
Avoids: being “the bad one,” being left, feeling guilt
Short-term reward: relief, stability, approval
Long-term cost: resentment, exhaustion, loss of self
When you map it this way, you stop making it about weakness.
You see the logic.
And once you see the logic, you can work with it.
Why “trying harder” backfires
Most people try to change patterns with pressure:
push through
discipline
harsh honesty
forcing conversations
“holding yourself accountable”
This might create short bursts of change.
But if the block underneath is fear (or shame, or threat), pressure often strengthens the pattern.
Because your system hears:
“We’re going to do the dangerous thing faster.”
So it doubles down.
That’s why the cycle looks like:
strong intention → effort → collapse → shame → recommit → repeat
What actually changes the pattern
Change happens when your system has enough capacity to stay present in the moment it usually escapes.
Not more insight.
More tolerance.
This is why body-oriented work matters:
because patterns aren’t just thoughts
they’re body responses (bracing, freeze, collapse, hypervigilance)
and those responses decide what options you can access
When the body is in threat, your choices become really limited.
So the work becomes:
get clear on what you want
identify the block that interrupts choice
understand what the block protects
start removing the block in a realistic embodied way
the truth that lands
You repeat patterns because your system is loyal.
Loyal to safety, belonging and whatever once helped you get through difficult times.
The work isn’t to shame the pattern away.
It’s to build enough capacity that you don’t need it anymore.
If you’re self-aware and still repeating patterns, book a discovery call with me.
I use AI for editing and SEO, but every piece is reviewed and finalized by me to stay true to my voice.