The Control Complex: How Childhood Chaos Shapes Adult Rigidity
There’s a part of me that panics when things don’t go according to plan.
The moment something slips out of place:
an unexpected text,
a cancelled meeting,
someone not following through.
I can feel it. My body tightens. My mind races. I go quiet or snappy, depending on the day.
If you resonate with this, you’re not alone.
This isn’t about being “a control freak.”
It’s about what control gave us when we were growing up.
For many of us, control wasn’t about power… it was about safety.
When your childhood felt unpredictable - emotionally, physically, or relationally, your body adapted by managing everything.
When Control Becomes a Coping Strategy
Maybe someone in your home had big emotions that exploded without warning.
Maybe the rules changed depending on their mood.
Maybe you were shamed for making a mess,
for being loud
for just being a kid.
So you learned to keep everything in order, your words, your behavior, your space.
That control became your armor.
And maybe now that armor feels tight.
Heavy.
Lonely.
And it’s hard to let go… even when you want to.
What It Feels Like in the Body
Let’s talk somatics, because this shows up in the body before it ever makes sense in your head.
Your breath gets shallow when plans change
Your shoulders tense during group conversations
You find yourself re-writing that email three times
You keep your days full because stillness feels unsafe
You struggle to delegate because no one does it “right”
It’s not just about being organized.
It’s about what might happen if you’re not.
Have you ever asked yourself:
What am I afraid will happen if I let go just a little?
What part of me still believes chaos is coming?
The Nervous System Link
This isn’t just a personality quirk.
When your body has been shaped by unpredictability, it seeks structure.
But structure can harden into rigidity. And over time, the very things that helped you cope begin to limit your life.
That rigidity often comes with judgment. Of yourself. Of others. Of the world.
Because when everything has to be perfect, there’s no room for mess.
No space for rest.
No grace for being human.
How to Soften Without Falling Apart
If this is landing, you don’t need to overhaul your life.
You need small, body-led invitations to remember that safety doesn’t only live in control.
Start small: Let one thing be “imperfect”
Let the dishes sit a little longer. Wear the comfy outfit instead of the perfect one. Miss one deadline (on purpose, if you’re brave).
Notice what stirs inside: not to fix it, but to feel it.
Move your body in chaotic ways
Shake, swing your arms, roll on the floor. Give your body a chance to experience chaos without threat. Let it be playful, not punitive.
Get curious about what’s underneath
What belief is driving the control?
“If I mess up, I’ll be judged.”
“If I relax, everything will fall apart.”
“If I’m not perfect, I’ll be rejected.”
Let those stories be seen, not shamed.
A Gentle Reframe
You don’t have to stop being prepared.
You don’t have to give up your standards.
But you can let go of the urgency. The tension.
The inner punisher who says you’re only okay when everything is in order.
As that part loosens its grip, life gets softer.
Relationships deepen.
And your nervous system learns:
chaos isn’t the enemy
it’s part ofthe beauty of living.
If this resonates with your system, and you're ready to explore how perfection, protection, and over-functioning are playing out in your nervous system, The Repattern is a beautiful place to begin.
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